oh oh oh 20 in three days.

My birthdays have always been significant in terms of the evolution of my spirit, of my mind, of my ideas.
There was my eighteenth - when I thought life would be made clear to me, when I thought that I'd have everything figured out - because after all I was becoming an 'adult'- and instead I spent the day finding out that my 'best friend' was a traitor and that I was truly not an adult but a little kid all alone, having the worst day of my life.
For one year after that, life was miserable. Everyday that I spent at college, I hated everything about myself, about where I was, where I had come. Then, on my nineteenth birthday, after a small dinner with a few friends, my best friend staged an intervention and in that moment I realized that watching 'The Darjeeling Limited' an excessive number of times had paid off - it hit me like a ton of bricks- one whole year I had been in the depths of depression and then the night of my nineteenth birthday the words of Owen Wilsons mother came to me--- 'stop feeling bad for yourself, its not attractive.' And I haven't felt bad for myself since. I've been a trooper if I say so myself. I've learned to love solitude. I've become fiercely independent and self - reliant, so that if you asked to change anything, I'd say, 'No. Leave it the way it was. It taught me everything.'
And this friday I wonder what life will bring. I know its my birthday and I'm supposed to celebrate but all I want is to eat an exquisite dinner by myself with an exquisite book, go shopping, and watch a movie in theaters. Is that too much to ask? Is it too little?

updates

-newfound love: 30 rock. alec baldwin is oddly attractive. tina fey is funny and quirky. and the show has this subtle humor that has me in fits of laughter. thats just how it is.
-the christmas festival is taking a long time to set up, but i am trying to be patient because patience is a virtue.
-i am a cook. no i am a chef. i cook up delicious new recipes every week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aowl7Wwzyis

one christmas eleven years ago.

Eleven years ago, love, was my last Christmas with you.

In ten days I will be 20. It is such a big number. Smaller of course than 21, which is the biggest number. But big indeed. These are the last ten days of my teenage years as I know them. Goodbye. but not good riddance. I loved my first decade dearly. I loved most of my second quite as much. What will the third bring - happiness, love, joy or will it bring stress and sadness and a fear of everything I associate with getting older?
Will I just live on as if nothing has changed? Will I mature? More importantly will I change as a person? I love the person I am right now dearly and a part of me hopes I won't. But, who really can be opposed to the idea of evolution? Evolution of the mind, the heart, the soul.

what it is.

i feel the days blending into each other. i want to give each day its own significance. i want to remember each day as its own. but before i am too hard on myself, it is third year and this is the hardest year and i cannot let myself get distracted by these things. would i like to sit on my bed, my lamp on, blankets wrapped around me, with a cup of hot cocoa and read tolstoy? yes, very much so. would i like to go home before Christmas? much more. so i think ill get back to my lecture notes. and save the fireside reading for michigan.

101 posts! The Office

The Office is the only show that I've watched for so many years and so consistently and that I still love. Michael Scott got me through one of the lowest points in my life - I'd watch reruns over and over just so that it felt like he was there with me. So now as this season progresses and we get closer and closer to his departure, I feel myself sinking, I feel an awful knot in my throat, and I want to scream "Don't leave me like this!" Not now, not here.
I'm currently in the middle of waiting for the latest episode to load and I thought I'd write about how much I love this show and comment on the characters. What about Erin? She is so loveable and yet I feel like she might be missing a chunk of her brain. But thats just me...
Well its loaded. I have to get back

The Flat is Decorated

I bought all my Christmas Decorations today! If you haven't noticed, I'm really in the Christmas mood :)
I got a bag of tealights, a snowman cup for steaming hot cocoa, Snowman cutout placemats, Christmas cards, and ornaments, and lights, most of all lights. My apartment is a Winter Wonderland. It is spendid and glorious. And Clean. So Fresh and Clean.
I'll put up pictures tomorrow :)
Enjoy the holiday season!

i lit four candles.

turned on my christmas lights.

made myself a steaming cup of hot cocoa.

sat on my bed with the warmth of a blanket.

took in the clean smell, the polished floors, the empty sink.

turned on my christmas music - bing crosby, frank sinatra, dean martin.

and reminded myself that christmas will come, oh so soon, and golden lights will light up my life.

fear

i fear that i will always be scared. i fear change so much that if anything were to shift even slightly i might be thrown into some sort of terrifying depression.
i fear that my dreams - when i have finally gotten there - will have changed and i will no longer love what i thought i would love. i fear that there will be nothing to do, no way to fix it.
im scared of so much and i know this is no way to live. but change has never favored me. and im scared that one day i will be all alone. wondering what went wrong.

the year so far.

january - india: night drives through villages and forest in search of leopards. kanha tiger reserve. street cricket. home-made food. moonlit weddings.

february -  i found myself. brilliant independence. turkish restaurant. thoreau. into thin air. yoga. running. such peace. such happiness. such solitude. lemon with water.

march - towards the end of the month things started going downhill but i never let myself go. and i regained my happiness in other ways. outdoor running. dom ter. fire breathers. 

april - yogurt and blackberries by the river. art. drawing. coloring. painting. pittsburgh for break. affirmation. golden eyeshadow. tan skin. family dinners. gardening. pure happiness.

may - gladiators. sandals. and a soundtrack. somogyi konyvtar. the taste of cold mint-chocolate-chip gelato. the wine festival. neuroanatomy. and then exams. spar shopping trips. hummus and bread and ice cream and cereal bars. 

june - the end of a year. in one way. the beginning in another. movies and the library. jekyll and hyde. tennis and bobby kennedy. a new moleskine. the arrival of a friend.

july- the deterioration of my skin. yes. the month revolved around this. around not wanting to leave the house. around dermatologist appointments. all-round an awful month. the departure of a friend.

august - banff. alaska. denali. a cruise. three weeks. and then home. then the summer ended and i said goodbye to what was not the best summer but not the worst either. denali made up for it. i will return i promise. to buy an alaskan husky. to work at denali's rescue center. i will, i will.

september - the start of a year. classes and more classes. mid term tests. the library. and nothing more. 

october - the loss of independence in some ways. i lost a friend. made another. october break: a brilliant time in prague. 

november - you have only arrived.