for one so small, you seem so strong.

its not that ive just remembered you and who you used to be. but ive remembered who we were once. the life we once lived. its all gone. and more will change. more will leave. more will leave me broken. and feeling so stretched. so small. so alone.

i hope the sun shines, its a beautiful day
something reminds you,
you wished you had stayed.

i just spent the last half an hour reading through all the old posts on my blog and i realized why it is that i do this, why it is that i haven't put up pictures until recently. it is because the way i've written out my posts, ill be able to look back years from now and remember the exact moment, the exact time. reading posts from march and april are exhilarating. to see how things were then, to breathe in the same air and smell the same smells in a different place at a different time.

1. had two hours of karate last night. my body is hating and thanking me for it.

2. i've opened my notes again, pathology and pathophysiology and microbiology. 

3. i am reading more and more about John Kennedy's assassination. it intrigues me and i want to know as much as possible about every key event, every key player. somehow it is so important that i figure this out.

4. i'm reading everything. reading my notes. reading a novel. reading tolstoy's family happiness. reading about world war I and communism, current events and the cia experiments. reading of poverty and starvation. and mapping out ways to help.

5. i am alive and joyful. yesterday a friend asked, "do you ever get depressed?" and after thinking for a minute, i said, "not always, not anymore, not like it used to be. but i did, but ive changed. but i still do every once in a while. and sometimes i don't even know why"

but i have found, in all, it is the sheer vulnerability that makes us real, live, human beings.

what do you do when you love someone so that what you want for them is more than you want for yourself, more than they want for themselves?
what do you do when you are stripped of all power to help them,
when love, it seems, just isn't enough?

bohemia

i just returned from my trip to the capital of bohemia and i dont think i can truly justify the beauty, the architecture, the very feel of the city with words. i would love nothing more than to live there for a few months studying history or art or architecture.

i promised pictures so here they are:

St. Vitus' Cathedral at the Prague Castle

Charles Bridge

The Lennon Wall, Prague

list of love.

right now i love,
the basement dance crew that i pass every night
the light in the third window that lights up every night without fail. in an otherwise empty building
somogyi konyvtar - the small library: the first floor during day when the old people are reading and the third floor at night. little lamps on little tables. otherwise dark
i love to study. everyday at the library. knowledge is empowering.
i love the waffle shop on somogyi utca. chocolate pudding waffles.
the coat lady at the library with curly white blond hair. shes such a dear.
dressing up everyday! its a record.
spar. its a ritual. even if i need nothing. i like to stop by.
the cold, crisp air reminding me that fall is here, christmas will come, and lights will light up my life.
the christmas lights already decorating my room
karate on friday nights with jibo

i am happy to be alive. i am overwhelmed by classes and tests and studying. but i love every minute of it. i dont want anything to pass me by, i dont want to feel like i didnt appreciate the time i had. i want to embrace everything, live now. not for what will be in a couple months or next summer of five years from now. i want to know that i was happy because i allowed myself to be that way. i hope i read this years from now and i am able to see the person i was and compare it with the person i am then. i hope that some parts of me stay just the same.

the light in the third window

the now. not whats to be. just the now. the past the present the future are very much intertwined, no denying that. but whats important is to recognize that what is, is what is. embrace. love. and live.