mama

heres to family
to love and peace
and being sunburnt
to chinese for dinner
dessert for dinner, really
here's to feeling safe and warm
with the chenille blanket we've had for years.
shades of royal purple and vermillion and forest green
and truly isnt that what mothers are for?
tintin marathons and iced-ginger-honey-black-tea.
here's to unconditional love, to boundless happiness
to mirrors that reflect only what we want to see
and nothing more
to golden eyeshadow and sandals.
the kind roman gladiators once wore.
to step into their shoes for a night.
to dressing up for dinner
to long car rides
and longer bike rides
on even longer dirt roads
and what about wanting?
only the best, not for yourself, of course
but for the others, for the ones you'd do anything for
yes, its all part of this story.
here is to gardening and landscaping
digging and planting
fertilizing and then the abundance
here is to manual labor and sweating
to a dirt streaked face, a grimy body
and then when the sun has begun to set
showering and watching the water turn brown,
and when thats over,
the thunderstorms and the lightning,
black currant scented candles,
and black currant on toast,

but the best part,
was doing it with you,
yes, with you mama
and with everyone,
once separate but now whole.
love is abundant. love endureth when all else fails.

infinitely.

to infinity and beyond.

oh what a day!

i wrote a post and then deleted it.
i feel empty and lost.
today i feel hateable.
i feel as though i'm a hateable person.
so, if you hate me today, i understand.
i accept.
i dipped my feet in the fountain today.
then i thought about drunk men peeing in it at night.
drunk men with aids, even.
i wondered if dilute pee could spread aids
so i rapidly withdrew.
thats what she said.

yellowstone. i miss you dearly.
im recollecting. so that i never forget
the pure joy you brought me.
lamar valley and the multitudes of bison
the tetons and jackson hole.
the three merry piglets.
up the mountainside. the valley, snake river, a sunset.
a sunburnt face
7 miles down the mountain and sore legs after
bears and bear cubs. oh so many.
a moose. which i spotted.
the long car rides and the even longer walks
family solidarity
the old man and his piano at the old faithful inn. oh how we bonded over our love of les miserables.
the couple from romania.
amazing grace.
fire side in the oldfaithful inn and bagels at night before the old faithful erupted
montana side trip. steak. wooden benches.
grant lake and a horrible dinner.
mammoth springs and the old fashioned tub.
another mountain. a higher altitude. a heartfelt poem. ovis canadensis.
i never wanted to leave. but i had to.
and then back to reality. to work. to people who go to beaches and vegas. to people who smile and nod and can't understand.
"sweetheart would you like a childrens menu?"
"im eighteen"
and then a hateful letter. and then exploitation.
trout lake and the spawning trout swimming upstream
i will return. i promise.

sunscreen

it all falls into place.
last year, at this time while studying for finals, i'd put on coppertone waterbabies sunscreen lotion to motivate me and to calm me down.
i dont need sunscreen. during finals week i rarely leave my house. i dont burn, i brown, so i have no use for it. but that doesnt hold me back. these things never do.

how it all falls into place.
last semester we finished neuroanatomy and when we had finished, we learned about the limbic system, how it is associated with memories, how the olfactory system is connected to it and so on. moral of the story: smells are quite often associated with memories.

when i was four years old, going on five, my mother's best friend would take us to the local lake. it had a beach. her children, my brother, and i would play in the sand, jump around in the water and frolick in our little bathing suits. but before we frolicked, she would lather coppertone waterbabies sunscreen lotion on our little waterbaby bodies.

two summers ago, before i left for university, i was wandering through costco as i often do with my family.
and sitting perched near the checkout lanes, was bottle after bottle of coppertone waterbabies sunscreen lotion.
it looked familiar so i opened it and smelled it.
and when i smelled it, i sort of squealed with joy. in that instance i knew, as we all do. we just know. i knew that this bottle of coppertone waterbabies sunscreen was the same i had used fourteen years ago on a little beach far far away. i knew that in fourteen years, coppertone waterbabies sunscreen lotion hadn't changed their formula. i knew that i had to buy it. because it smelled of summer. nothing smells like summer the way coppertone waterbabies sunscreen lotion does.

and so,

i bought it and when i began to study for exams and got disheartened at the sheer amount of material and my general lack of interest in it, i'd squirt a little bit of coppertone waterbabies sunscreen lotion, and just like that everything would be ok again.

i took it home for the summer and forgot to bring it back with me. and now, as i study for finals i have nothing to calm my troubled nerves and it surely is a troubling thought.