there you go again.

love,
in april it will be ten years. ten long years. however you want to look at it.
the truth is i've missed you longer than i knew you. and i wonder if im allowed to miss you still.
each year it gets better and worse. some years i've missed you more than others. some years i've wondered what went wrong. and this year i've stopped remembering all of it. the day. the minutes. before. during. after.
i've pushed it to the far corners of my mind. there have been years where you've been at the back of my mind. always. like a humming, buzzing noise. always there but subtly so.
and this year you're not there. i dont think of you and when i see the photos of us that i've tacked on my wall, all i feel is a numbing sensation. like you're someone i once knew. someone i've lost touch of.
i found the furby that dad brought when he came home for your funeral. he brought three. i put two in your casket so you wouldn't be alone. it's the only thing i've held onto from that day. from that time.
and when i found it today. everything came rushing back. that day. that moment. that loss.
it's real.
you're gone. i've accepted that. last year i looked up the stages of grief. i'm in the end stage of it. acceptance, they say. i remember denial and bargaining. i used to play this game with myself. i'd try holding my breath for a minute and i'd say that if i could do it, you'd come back. that never worked, did it?
love. it may be that you no longer consume me, but i will never stop loving the days that i loved you.

embargo lifted

today's been a good day. i studied at the library for five hours! (an unprecedented length of time)

the weather was absolutely beautiful. sunny, warm, but just warm-enough-sandal-wearing weather. 

and i snagged a great deal. 15 dollars for a zenit-e camera with a lens. 

now i don't know too much about cameras, and even if it ends up not working i figured, 'hey it looks artsy and cool, why not?" 

plus inscribed on the bottom is "made in the ussr" 

that itself made it worth it,

its a model that i think was released around the time of the soviet games because it has an olympic logo on it. well i have yet to figure out how to work it. i read a manual online and i couldnt figure it out for the life of me.

but i had just spent the previous five hours figuring out tracts and nuclei and what not for neuro, so my brain was functioning a bit slow. ill give it another shot tomorrow...

well, i'm off for a run by the river. enjoy the weekend :)

The Philadelphia (cream cheese) Story

i was shopping at spar the other night, and in the dairy aisle, i happened upon a tub (well, several) of philadelphia cream cheese. which doesn't seem like a lot. but here, it is everything.

i didn't buy it. i wouldn't have used it anyway. but i liked knowing that it was there, that it was available. that it was waiting.

and it got me thinking about myself. about the way i am with these things.

how i loathe materialism
of the life i seek in india, when most people seek to leave it.
how i want what most "normal" people turn away from

and it got me thinking. is it because i am a product of a rich-enough-family? of parents who never have to turn down my requests? it it because i've always had, that i have the ability to turn away? is it because i have the luxury of turning away that i do?

i think whats at the core of it all, is choice. for, the poor strive to be rich because they don't want what's given them. and the rich, well some strive to be richer, and others, like mccandless slip away, trying to fight it all. because we have that choice.

if i were born and brought up in india would i love it as much as i do? if i were poor would i embrace a simpler lifestyle?

to be different? or to live? or are they just the same?

what i love (this week)

lower case letters -e.e. cummings was ridiculous in his own right
running
my celadon green blanket
black nailpolish
my blog. i love it. it's an outpost for all my emotions and thoughts.

drawing, painting, coloring, and the like
lists. but i always do.
clementines
snickers. i eat them religiously
catholic mass. nothing is more calming than mass in a language you don't speak. 
catching up with long lost friends. 


what i don't love:
school work. but hey, what else is new?

new acquisitions.

the gladiator soundtrack
an in-depth knowledge of female genital mutilation
mrs. dalloway by virginia woolf
snickers bars :)

it's been a good week.