there you go again.

love,
in april it will be ten years. ten long years. however you want to look at it.
the truth is i've missed you longer than i knew you. and i wonder if im allowed to miss you still.
each year it gets better and worse. some years i've missed you more than others. some years i've wondered what went wrong. and this year i've stopped remembering all of it. the day. the minutes. before. during. after.
i've pushed it to the far corners of my mind. there have been years where you've been at the back of my mind. always. like a humming, buzzing noise. always there but subtly so.
and this year you're not there. i dont think of you and when i see the photos of us that i've tacked on my wall, all i feel is a numbing sensation. like you're someone i once knew. someone i've lost touch of.
i found the furby that dad brought when he came home for your funeral. he brought three. i put two in your casket so you wouldn't be alone. it's the only thing i've held onto from that day. from that time.
and when i found it today. everything came rushing back. that day. that moment. that loss.
it's real.
you're gone. i've accepted that. last year i looked up the stages of grief. i'm in the end stage of it. acceptance, they say. i remember denial and bargaining. i used to play this game with myself. i'd try holding my breath for a minute and i'd say that if i could do it, you'd come back. that never worked, did it?
love. it may be that you no longer consume me, but i will never stop loving the days that i loved you.